stupid f*ck

I stared at my CP not expecting anything but at the back of my head thoughts of "might" flashes every other second, hoping that the wall you created will crash. As I hope, my eyes wandered from my telly to my phone telly-phone as if I'm in a trance REM about to drift off to dreamland then it rang. Your name on the screen as lights goes on and off.



Hesitation filled my mind and I felt my chest tightened. Every second felt a lifetime- should I answer? Should I drop? And if I answer am I ready for what I'm about to hear? -- it rang again...



I told myself f*ck it! I asked for it. I should be able to handle



The voice on the other end sounded familiar after a long time of not hearing your voice I was not sure if I could still remember it. I did - and after hearing you I felt a certain kind of comfort. It calmed me for half a sec.



then awkward silence



I was speechless I choked I couldn't even talk. I just pressed the red button



I tremble from the center of it all... I couldn't muster the courage to ask you why you left me.



For months I've been keeping myself occupied so that thoughts of you be pushed in the deep part of my conscious.I kept myself busy. I escape. I tried to move on. Succumb to temporary aids that help me forget. All efforts are a waste



I realized...







I was not over you

the USED

It comes with the territory, it’s inevitable, my goal is to know you, be your light, to guide you, to hold you together when you're crushed, to cry with you when everything seems to be hopeless, to cry for you when no tears left in your eyes, to laugh with you in crazy times or when you do something completely and utterly stupid, to scream with you if you cannot contain your excitement or pain. I will offer my hand even my whole arm just as long as I am needed I’ll be there for you

Operative phrase "as long as I am needed"

A very close friend once told me that people are users. People attach themselves with others because they need something, once they got what they need-- we become expendables. That might not always be true but to some extent we all get used.

My dream has and always been to make a difference, to touch people’s lives-- to be remembered, that at one point in your life, I made you laugh, smile, cry, scream--that I became part of it.

But as you go on your own way, it is in my hope that what I had with you was enough; be it good or bad, used me or not, at the very least it’s enough for me to be remembered.

-nai 8.6.10-

moonglow

I was woken up by the dancing shadows on the floor. It was the tree kissed by a soft breeze lit by the moon. With its gorgeousness that stood out amidst the indigo sky,

breathtaking

hopeful

nostalgic



As the breeze once again filled my room there’s a different chill that pierced through me. Not scary but more of sadness. The sill night should have given me peace but all the more it made me realize something.

something I keep consciously hidden.

something I don’t want to tell my self.

Something true that I cannot accept.

You’re Gone.



The moon reminded me my paradox that even with its romance I feel more alone than I ever was and more hopeful of an unrequited love

walking

I walk

I walk as far as my feet could take me.

I walked faster thinking that if i could just stay far far from you i would forget you. But it doesn’t work that way.



I walked far enough to give you distance to maybe cool things abit. far enough to still see you that if u needed me i can still run back..


but you left



Left without a word. without goodbye. What am I supposed to do? say its ok?



I never wanted and expected for you to love me back. i just want you to pay me some attention..



now im walking

walking as far from you as possible so that this pain would be bearable and every step i make to get way from you a piece of my heart breaks.

Facts of my life ver 2.0

1. 45 days in SG and so far so good I think.. its always hard being the new guy there are lots of mistakes made but you know.. at the end of the day,.. its nice to say “ see, I’ve learned”
2. I am TIRED
3. Being away is a good thing but the missing part is slightly unbearable. I know I’ll get used to it but, not just yet.
4. I am more updated into the KPOP scene than my own country’s. I know that Super Junior and CN blue released new songs, I know 2PM won the Mnet Countdown with Junsu’s injured knee. So when I checked GMAnews.TV I was shocked that LJ Reyes is preggy and the Baby daddy is Paolo Avelino.. whaaat?? Miss being Jologs. Hahaha
5. Have not Cried in the shower yet
6. I am not over just yet. I keep trying to erase YOU in my mind but its so hard that evry second your face, your laughter, everything I SEE YOU. Na Neun O deokk hae?
7. The rest is still unwritten….

hearts day

Corridors were noisy and the screams, laughter and disses echoed from wall to wall. Amidst the chaos of lunch hour, I see you. Handing me a piece of paper. I remember saying ”what will I do with this?” in a sarcastic tone. You looked pisses not getting the joke. Then I said “I hate you… “ you looked surprised… then you smiled and said “I hate you too” I was talking to another friend when I heard you say that. I looked at you -- our eyes met, as it lingers with both of us bearing a half smile. I was happy seeing you smile. It was the first time in a long while. I looked at you in a made up angry face and waved bye.
This will be the last time that I will see you smile.

Jal it u na neun ddu nal gu ya
Bogosip eul gu ya!

drunken days

Help me forget… it was my primary reason,.. it was the empty feeling after making a decision.. I firmly believed it was the right thing to do but still doesn’t escape the fact that I am hurting. Shot one -- sets its tone, I thought through this I can forget, I did for a sec . As it sank through my Throat and felt the burn that made its mark running from my chest to my stomach. Thoughts of you sank too .. shot two.. shot three.. you ‘re still there. There is an innate desire for me to erase you. Shot four, I started feeling numb.. shot five, shot six shot seven—with every shot burning in, thoughts of you started to fade away.. And I was happy… at the moment. As the numbness creeps in and reached my heart, I was immobile. I stared blankly outside my bedroom window amazed by the distant light of the street lamp.




Then I couldn’t remember anymore.



...

ga seum e apayo

suddenly I felt an emptiness in my chest. as I slowly emerge from the bed I felt that all air left the room. I was gasping for more air. panting.. then as I caught my breath I cried. I clenched my legs towards my chest as I tried wrapping everything with my arms. I wished I didn’t hear it from you, that was the hard part. Listening to every word like a needles raining and every pinch sinks in and pains me like a son of a bitch.

MY HEART ACHES.

I stayed lying there waiting the emptiness to subside…



but it didn’t.



...

jolina

darkness drifts as the cold creeps slowly in my skin. The heavens cried as if there’s no tomorrow i was in the middle of everything. the door opened and the water rushed in. the people were shocked some even screamed. i went outside i am knee deep as waves made it seem higher. after a moment everything went silent. Amidst the distant murmurs, bargaining, and faint honking of vehicles i stood there enjoying that stillness as rain slowly kissed my forehead. it was a sudden booming sound that woke me and brought me back. then the man behind me said push! push!

then it hit me. it was not a dream.



...

the fall

"and it is more so the feeling of worthlessness rather than correction.

 it is my weaknesses rather than a facade.

it is more breaking out than leaving.

 it is more me than any other reason.

 it is me

i trembled in the center of it all.


i just lost all reason to move forward."

al together

confusion strikes as words keep falling down from your mouth... figuratively

litteraly.

no joahae?

no!

joahae!

after all that’s been said.. What am i to you?