move - ing

The flares of the afternoon sun blinded me, figuratively.

Its warmth gives hope! Moving forward

Moving forward

Moving

Moving away.

These past few weeks have been painfully blank

“I don’t know why I am what I am, something inside me makes me want to Hate everything” -Cassie

Hate is a strong feeling, 

I on the other hand feel 

empty. 

infinite...

As I moved and danced amidst the sea of people, 

sweat, lights and heartbeats, 

I saw you.

Those eyes locked with mine. 

Jumping and enjoying the trance. 

Pumping my fist in the air as we sang the lyrics of “how we do” by Rita Ora

You made your way towards me; we danced, lost ourselves with the music

Sweat, lights and heartbeats

Infinite, it was infinite.

Period

This is what I'd like to call my personal latency phase--the calm after the storm, that silent stare after a long awkward conversation.

This--this is what I call reconstructing myself. I admit I have not been the best of myself recently. . In truth, I was going through an introspective war with myself.





For the past two months, I managed to make myself a literary stereotype--the perfect "moral compass" who, all at once, took a sudden swerve and never looked back since. I managed to break a principle I've long stood by, and I'm not proud of it.

So if you're still wondering why I did what I did, my answer is this: I was going through a downward spiral, and the only way I could break out was by breaking up. And every morning I wake up without you, I am more convinced that I, as a matter of fact, made the right decision. The more I mull over what happened, the more certain I am that the only way this emptiness can be filled is by filling it myself.

I shall speak no further about the subject, as entries like this usually make my insides cringe. Malandi. Too malandi.

Documentation Cards, Verity youth,photoshoppped brochures and new DVDs . So whenever my heart skips a beat, my eyes linger, and my mind spaces out (or my subconscious reels back to memories that ought to be tightly locked and thrown away into the sea), I only have this to think:





I am alone, not lonely.

SID ( a short story)

.........

The distant thud slowly emerges, 

I can feel it as lucidity sets in, my heart is pounding so hard my eyes, 
I can feel it rapidly moving behind my eyelids as droplets of water slowly rolled down from my forehead. I was twisting and turning in my bed as if my insides were being crushed I was in a daze now then the silence was cut by a deafening sound I was screaming. I rose from my bed gasping for air, my hands holding in tightly the comforter which apparently not so comforting enough. I was shaking my head as I recall my last memory. 

 Then I concluded the drugs did not work. I stood up and found my way to the kitchen as I hold on to whatever gives me balance. I was tracing the hallway wall with my face, feeling it with my arms spread out and my weight leaning on it. I reached the living room and I noticed a silhouette of a man sitting on the sofa, immobile I watched his chest to see if it is moving if he’s still breathing I waited for a long minute none I stood there frozen, stunned with what was in front of me. I started shaking and the fell on my knees. He was holding a bottle of beer in one hand and an ashen cigarette on the other. 

I was speechless; I felt it sinking in... More real, more tangible truth. 

 Abruptly I stood made my way to the door and walked I was not sure where I was heading but I just wanted to walk, briskly as far as my feet could take me. I suddenly felt the wind gashing against me. I was running now, I didn’t even notice it I ran as fast and as hard as I can all I could think of was the man’s face and the my mind lingered and questioning the reality I was in. I ran and didn’t even know where I was. I stopped and sat on the curb, my mind was screaming my heart was crushing I’m holding it close as if it will literally break. I was holding my head like I’m preventing it to explode and suddenly I went blank.

 People were staring at me. I can hear their indistinct murmurs, I can feel their glare but I was there still frozen, catatonic. I was slipping away from reality. I sat there frozen for hours my mind was blank and all I could feel was pain, the pain that throbs and beats in unison with my heart, every beat hurts as hell and I can’t even fight it. 

 All I could to is to face pain to face reality...

 Death 




 sid 
a short story 
12.12.8 
-nai-

moment

.......

COLD

COLD Hearted

today i thought i was strong enough to resist.

i failed.

my only wish was that i be important to feel that i am needed



i guess my importance and role is only up to here.

i am just someone who made you laugh someone who listened to you

someone forgettable

i am a pastime. a moment of temporary refuge



a moment, just a moment

.........

Breathe Me (collection)

Help.me.forget

There should be, at the very least, something I could do to salvage myself from the pit that I am slowly seeing myself falling into. So I am trying to put myself on a willful amnesia of you. It seems practically all too cruel to me that you are constantly on my mind and it consumes me. I cant take it. This is entirely not who I am. And it frightens the sh*t out of me. For the past couple of days, I dont know how I managed. And every time the thought of you meanders my mind, my heart vaults up for a soaring, incredulous, gorgeously cruel moment.



........................



this is all i could do

first i liked your eyes

then i liked your soft smile

since i liked liking you

i loved you

but ever since i loved you

i've been hurt

all i could do is to let you go

theres nothing i could do...







......................







neither awake or asleep

Current mood:peaceful

amidst the millions of faces I am sinfully shown upon, only one face evidently yet vaguely appears on my mind tonight. Yours. Like the full moon that is melodramatically looking down on me, it seems to harbour some unknown secret I intend to unfold. And as I blankly stare at the moon tonight, I candidly welcome every thought of you. God, I almost forgotI forgot how good you always made me feel.



You still do.



...................



Kahit Mali

Paalam sa iyo Wag kang matakot tumakbo Alam ko magiging ayos din lahat Bastat sulitin lang ang mga ulap





Buo na ang loob ko Hulina para pa magbago Siguro nga’y tanga ako Para umiyak sa iyo Pero iiyak ako Kasalanan ko Kung bat’ ako nagkakaganto Alam ko, ako lng to’,susubukin ko Kahit mali Kahit na mali








] ........








When is it already wrong?

i will start with a wise saying i told a very judgmental friend "if loving is a sin, why don't you persecute yourself or everyone else on that matter"

rhetorical question: if there is black and white. is gray inconclusive?? can it be right or wrong or both?



then tell me when is it wrong? and so if i answer back "ily" when you said "ily" is it wrong?

if you said i miss you and i answered i miss you too is it wrong?

if you said "ill talk to you after work" and i waited 2 hours for the apparent call which never happened? am i wrong?

if i call you just to see how you are and never even for once you called me back. am i wrong?



if loving is not a sin why do i feel so guilty?

what makes it right? or what makes it wrong?

am i right? am i wrong?

is this the gray area? where there is no sign of light yet not total darkness??

is this what the friendster status says "its complicated"

i don't know. but one things for sure though....





i suck at this! who doesn't? Mar 13 2009

Strangers in Public (migrated post)

I saw you staring back at me with your dreamy eyes, the subtle roll of it excites me, as if ignoring my presence pisses you off… But I know it doesn't.

The stolen glances, our gestures, our actions as if we have a code that only both of us know.

The admiration, flirting, our love all distant to the public eye.



I can still remember how we met. A lazy lunch hour, I am eating my fave pizza and a mango smoothie, odd combination but works for me. Sitting in my fave spot, the steps that leads to the gym. And there you were with your friends laughing your heart out talking about funny things I assume.

Then with your glare and half hearted smile directed to me I melted. I was inexperience with this things you can say I am a late bloomer. It was late afternoon when I saw you again. You were walking towards me, and my god my heart pounded. You were closing in when you "accidentally" bumped with your shoulder and slid a note in my pocket.

I was stunned stood there frozen for a good minute and a half staring at you as you disappeared in the crowd.

My mind was spinning and eventually I gathered enough courage to read the note a few word and you number. To be honest I felt awful, played but too soon to tell. I did what the note asked and called you that night. We connected immediately, like old friends who lost touch, and undoubtedly, it was the best night of my life. It is a mutual agreement for us not to talk in pubic; it is easier than to flamboyantly showing off displays of affection and from that day on we were inseparable. We did the whole charade with no audience but ourselves. It was exciting! A secret love. Acting as if we don't know each other in the public eye, every glance… stolen, with the occasion rubbing of the back of our hands, the handshakes the hi and hellos that would seem normal for others but not for us. I was contented with how things are going its more relaxed. More intimate, more "us".

I am always afraid that this might end, and that we have invested so much that the hurt I may feel will be unbearable. I am afraid of loosing what we have now. Because I know that, this is real even if the only people who knew this were us.

Nevertheless, I will push that fear aside for now, because now I am enjoying the thrills of our secret.

I will still steal glances, occasionally bump into you "accidentally" and sneak out with you because no matter what they say…



Our secret our love, all of this… makes me feel alive.



Strangers in public A short story 11.1.8 -nai

i break in two over you (migrated post)

Your presence makes me feel I'm on some kind of drug, let alone your words, your touch, YOU.

I make you seem as if your some kind of fairy tale when in reality I know your not, nor ever will be.

More than anything I just want you to tell me you need me, you want me. I pretend as if your everything I need, every thing I want when really, I know, your not even close to this, Why do I always do this to myself? I just let myself up for a fall, over and over again, and each time I fall deeper. I see and know you say the exact same words to others as you do with me and it kills me. I try to pretend as if I actually mean something to you, because it hurts a lot less that way.

I pour my heart out to you bit by bit in pieces at a time thinking you'd get the hint but you reply with sarcastic remarks or ignore me half of the time, and then I think why do I even try? I can barely breathe when I think of you, you have some sort of power over me that you have no clue. You would make me or break me with a few simple words. You lock me up from being myself with others, you keep me a secret to everyone as if I'm not good enough for your big scene. Are you really worth all these tears? All this pain inside me? People ask me what's the matter? And I see a constant pattern, me saying nothing or avoiding them cause I know if I bring you up it will just ruin my day, and you'll be the only thing in my mind and how much it hurts. I'd say didn't us hang out? Us talking and everything that went on matter? I know you want him but how can you want him when all he does is to hurt you and keep you waiting? But when I think back to myself, wouldn't that be you in my situation? And I finally give you up and realize that it is not worth all of this, and that I can't do this anymore…


I am sorry I cared too much and that you didn't even care enough.



AFG Richland TX 12.11.03

sketch (a skins fanfic)

and i saw you frantically running away with maxxie and whatshisface, it could have been you and me. i really wish it was you and me.

not running away, but staying, having a laugh, getting wasted, stoned, making love.

as the bus boarding to London slowly drifts away, i felt a familiar tightening of my chest. i couldn't breathe, and as the bus goes farther and farther my heart collapses harder.

i stood there. lifeless...

as tears started to swell up at the corners of my eyes. i stared at the bus hopelessly waiting for something to happen. something like, you would run back for me or you could have changed your mind and return back for your pants. just something that i could have hold on to. but there was none. i stood there helplessly waiting and waiting with every second agonizing as a stab of a knife. after a few more seconds the bus was gone. i didn't know what to do at first.

i looked around, wiped the tears that rolled the same path over and over again. i realized i was alone. more alone than i ever was. i walked with no direction in mind but an image.

YOU

i didn't know that i would really fall for you. you were the only one who genuinely cared. i keep telling myself we could have been happy together. not obsessing but real undoubted love. you could have been my happy ending.

but its not.

its not...



sketch fanfic short story 3.10.09 -Nai

just being HONEST

OO minahal ko sila, dinyos ko rin sila

nasilaw ako sa ning-ning at taas ng tingin ko sa aking sarili

na pakiramdam ko ay kaya kong gawin ang lahat...

yumabang ako sa paniniwalang itinanim nyo sa utak ko

at noong hindi ko na kayang panindigan ang pagmamayabang at pagmamataas



bumulusok ako pababa...

{eng}
YES! i lovED them, I've put them in a pedestal
I was blinded by how great I thought I was
to the point that you made me believe that i could do anything and everything
I was swollen with pride, conceited, arrogant even -- it was inevitable
but when I couldn't live up to it...


i went spinning spiraling down

I AM A KPOP FAN

AND IM PROUD OF IT!

Flashes

Light flashes as cars pass by

I feel nothing.

they are dancing now and still i stare blankly as red and yellow lights alternate

I was like this for a moment, and after a few more seconds...

I felt it

I suddenly felt the familiar tightening of my heart.

and tears rolled the same path all over again.

I kept asking myself why i was crying but tears kept falling....

the breeze blew onto my face, i felt relieved...

as Angus and Julia Stone play on the background



i realized one thing:


This are the last tears i will shed for you


You are not worth these tears anymore

stupid f*ck

I stared at my CP not expecting anything but at the back of my head thoughts of "might" flashes every other second, hoping that the wall you created will crash. As I hope, my eyes wandered from my telly to my phone telly-phone as if I'm in a trance REM about to drift off to dreamland then it rang. Your name on the screen as lights goes on and off.



Hesitation filled my mind and I felt my chest tightened. Every second felt a lifetime- should I answer? Should I drop? And if I answer am I ready for what I'm about to hear? -- it rang again...



I told myself f*ck it! I asked for it. I should be able to handle



The voice on the other end sounded familiar after a long time of not hearing your voice I was not sure if I could still remember it. I did - and after hearing you I felt a certain kind of comfort. It calmed me for half a sec.



then awkward silence



I was speechless I choked I couldn't even talk. I just pressed the red button



I tremble from the center of it all... I couldn't muster the courage to ask you why you left me.



For months I've been keeping myself occupied so that thoughts of you be pushed in the deep part of my conscious.I kept myself busy. I escape. I tried to move on. Succumb to temporary aids that help me forget. All efforts are a waste



I realized...







I was not over you

the USED

It comes with the territory, it’s inevitable, my goal is to know you, be your light, to guide you, to hold you together when you're crushed, to cry with you when everything seems to be hopeless, to cry for you when no tears left in your eyes, to laugh with you in crazy times or when you do something completely and utterly stupid, to scream with you if you cannot contain your excitement or pain. I will offer my hand even my whole arm just as long as I am needed I’ll be there for you

Operative phrase "as long as I am needed"

A very close friend once told me that people are users. People attach themselves with others because they need something, once they got what they need-- we become expendables. That might not always be true but to some extent we all get used.

My dream has and always been to make a difference, to touch people’s lives-- to be remembered, that at one point in your life, I made you laugh, smile, cry, scream--that I became part of it.

But as you go on your own way, it is in my hope that what I had with you was enough; be it good or bad, used me or not, at the very least it’s enough for me to be remembered.

-nai 8.6.10-

moonglow

I was woken up by the dancing shadows on the floor. It was the tree kissed by a soft breeze lit by the moon. With its gorgeousness that stood out amidst the indigo sky,

breathtaking

hopeful

nostalgic



As the breeze once again filled my room there’s a different chill that pierced through me. Not scary but more of sadness. The sill night should have given me peace but all the more it made me realize something.

something I keep consciously hidden.

something I don’t want to tell my self.

Something true that I cannot accept.

You’re Gone.



The moon reminded me my paradox that even with its romance I feel more alone than I ever was and more hopeful of an unrequited love

walking

I walk

I walk as far as my feet could take me.

I walked faster thinking that if i could just stay far far from you i would forget you. But it doesn’t work that way.



I walked far enough to give you distance to maybe cool things abit. far enough to still see you that if u needed me i can still run back..


but you left



Left without a word. without goodbye. What am I supposed to do? say its ok?



I never wanted and expected for you to love me back. i just want you to pay me some attention..



now im walking

walking as far from you as possible so that this pain would be bearable and every step i make to get way from you a piece of my heart breaks.