the USED

It comes with the territory, it’s inevitable, my goal is to know you, be your light, to guide you, to hold you together when you're crushed, to cry with you when everything seems to be hopeless, to cry for you when no tears left in your eyes, to laugh with you in crazy times or when you do something completely and utterly stupid, to scream with you if you cannot contain your excitement or pain. I will offer my hand even my whole arm just as long as I am needed I’ll be there for you

Operative phrase "as long as I am needed"

A very close friend once told me that people are users. People attach themselves with others because they need something, once they got what they need-- we become expendables. That might not always be true but to some extent we all get used.

My dream has and always been to make a difference, to touch people’s lives-- to be remembered, that at one point in your life, I made you laugh, smile, cry, scream--that I became part of it.

But as you go on your own way, it is in my hope that what I had with you was enough; be it good or bad, used me or not, at the very least it’s enough for me to be remembered.

-nai 8.6.10-

moonglow

I was woken up by the dancing shadows on the floor. It was the tree kissed by a soft breeze lit by the moon. With its gorgeousness that stood out amidst the indigo sky,

breathtaking

hopeful

nostalgic



As the breeze once again filled my room there’s a different chill that pierced through me. Not scary but more of sadness. The sill night should have given me peace but all the more it made me realize something.

something I keep consciously hidden.

something I don’t want to tell my self.

Something true that I cannot accept.

You’re Gone.



The moon reminded me my paradox that even with its romance I feel more alone than I ever was and more hopeful of an unrequited love

walking

I walk

I walk as far as my feet could take me.

I walked faster thinking that if i could just stay far far from you i would forget you. But it doesn’t work that way.



I walked far enough to give you distance to maybe cool things abit. far enough to still see you that if u needed me i can still run back..


but you left



Left without a word. without goodbye. What am I supposed to do? say its ok?



I never wanted and expected for you to love me back. i just want you to pay me some attention..



now im walking

walking as far from you as possible so that this pain would be bearable and every step i make to get way from you a piece of my heart breaks.

Facts of my life ver 2.0

1. 45 days in SG and so far so good I think.. its always hard being the new guy there are lots of mistakes made but you know.. at the end of the day,.. its nice to say “ see, I’ve learned”
2. I am TIRED
3. Being away is a good thing but the missing part is slightly unbearable. I know I’ll get used to it but, not just yet.
4. I am more updated into the KPOP scene than my own country’s. I know that Super Junior and CN blue released new songs, I know 2PM won the Mnet Countdown with Junsu’s injured knee. So when I checked GMAnews.TV I was shocked that LJ Reyes is preggy and the Baby daddy is Paolo Avelino.. whaaat?? Miss being Jologs. Hahaha
5. Have not Cried in the shower yet
6. I am not over just yet. I keep trying to erase YOU in my mind but its so hard that evry second your face, your laughter, everything I SEE YOU. Na Neun O deokk hae?
7. The rest is still unwritten….

hearts day

Corridors were noisy and the screams, laughter and disses echoed from wall to wall. Amidst the chaos of lunch hour, I see you. Handing me a piece of paper. I remember saying ”what will I do with this?” in a sarcastic tone. You looked pisses not getting the joke. Then I said “I hate you… “ you looked surprised… then you smiled and said “I hate you too” I was talking to another friend when I heard you say that. I looked at you -- our eyes met, as it lingers with both of us bearing a half smile. I was happy seeing you smile. It was the first time in a long while. I looked at you in a made up angry face and waved bye.
This will be the last time that I will see you smile.

Jal it u na neun ddu nal gu ya
Bogosip eul gu ya!

drunken days

Help me forget… it was my primary reason,.. it was the empty feeling after making a decision.. I firmly believed it was the right thing to do but still doesn’t escape the fact that I am hurting. Shot one -- sets its tone, I thought through this I can forget, I did for a sec . As it sank through my Throat and felt the burn that made its mark running from my chest to my stomach. Thoughts of you sank too .. shot two.. shot three.. you ‘re still there. There is an innate desire for me to erase you. Shot four, I started feeling numb.. shot five, shot six shot seven—with every shot burning in, thoughts of you started to fade away.. And I was happy… at the moment. As the numbness creeps in and reached my heart, I was immobile. I stared blankly outside my bedroom window amazed by the distant light of the street lamp.




Then I couldn’t remember anymore.



...

ga seum e apayo

suddenly I felt an emptiness in my chest. as I slowly emerge from the bed I felt that all air left the room. I was gasping for more air. panting.. then as I caught my breath I cried. I clenched my legs towards my chest as I tried wrapping everything with my arms. I wished I didn’t hear it from you, that was the hard part. Listening to every word like a needles raining and every pinch sinks in and pains me like a son of a bitch.

MY HEART ACHES.

I stayed lying there waiting the emptiness to subside…



but it didn’t.



...

jolina

darkness drifts as the cold creeps slowly in my skin. The heavens cried as if there’s no tomorrow i was in the middle of everything. the door opened and the water rushed in. the people were shocked some even screamed. i went outside i am knee deep as waves made it seem higher. after a moment everything went silent. Amidst the distant murmurs, bargaining, and faint honking of vehicles i stood there enjoying that stillness as rain slowly kissed my forehead. it was a sudden booming sound that woke me and brought me back. then the man behind me said push! push!

then it hit me. it was not a dream.



...

the fall

"and it is more so the feeling of worthlessness rather than correction.

 it is my weaknesses rather than a facade.

it is more breaking out than leaving.

 it is more me than any other reason.

 it is me

i trembled in the center of it all.


i just lost all reason to move forward."

al together

confusion strikes as words keep falling down from your mouth... figuratively

litteraly.

no joahae?

no!

joahae!

after all that’s been said.. What am i to you?

Sudden collapse of ego boundaries

I thought I was careful, conscious enough not to fall. Then you

Your sad eyes kills me. Your vulnerability, your damaged being caught me

I really wish that I can tell how much I feel for you now.

I want to shout “I am here for you” and “I will never leave you”.

Pathetic!

Its not healthy for me, its killing me

All I know is that it can never be us…

You will forever be my “What if”

It sucks like hell but those are the rules of the game

Someone always gets hurt, unfortunately its me.

nothing

nothing..




Nothing.... she supposed.


this was real life

and real life is difficult at best.


hadn't she learn't
when she was a little girl


why did she think falling in love
would make it easy

why did she think, that falling in love

would make it any easier?
-Better things

hurt

it hurts when we love somebody
because loving is a painful thing
that is its nature


today

even if we're not sure that the pain will pass

it has to be said



that our loving is hurting us

our loving is hurting us....

it begins - sam bradley

It begins

It begins like this
I want to live like this
You can work me down
I’m free

I’ll decide on you
When i can think for me
So it ends like this
I’m free

The candle light alone is burning
Its drawing me in
Talk it through
Well i could run away alone now the road is my friend
But i love you

Hold out your hand i will give you a symbol
Of not what you are what you mean to this simple man
That’s now who i am
Still your words can hurt me

Do i deserve abuse?
In my fragile youth?
I’m feeling wiser now
I’m free

The candle light alone is burning
Its drawing me in
Talk it through
Well i could run away alone now the road is my friend
But i love you

Hold out your hand i will give you a symbol
Of not what you are what you mean to this simple man
That’s now who i am
Still your words can hurt me

this is me' deal with it!

I’m sarcastic, a bully, I hit for no reason, I find laughter in hurting people, I find happiness whenever I cry and I never felt I belong. I find comfort through songs and nostalgic visions.

I have a way with words, I was bullied, I hit to seek acknowledgment, I hurt people to feel superior, I cry because I see the true me, I’m happy being alone and not having pretensions, I find comfort with other people’s lives… I wish to hide myself in the deepest part of my unconsciousness where it could no longer annoy me

Ang Pag-ibig Alinsunod sa Pakete ng Goya Chocolate

Malunkot magisa, maglakad ng mag isa,

di mo alam kung san ka tutungo,

palinga-linga... pag ibig… GOYA!

May puti, may mani, may pasas

sarap pakinggan??

Masarap tikman!

Matamis, maasim, maalat…

Teka diba Goya! Hindi naman sinabing pag ibig db???

Kahit alin pa man sa dalawa, masarap!!

Kung mapait ka lunurin mo ang sarili mo sa tsokolate,

baka sakaling tumamis ka!!!

Hahahaha nakakatawa

Pakingggan mo

Goya!

Goya!!! ………….

Goya!! Goya!!

Sana man lang ngpasalamat ka!!!

Di bale wag na mag alala Sumaya naman ako sa piling ng Goya!!!

Dahilan kung bakit ako tumatawa

Gayun pa man…nabubulok rin ang Goya

May expiration date nga db???

kaya ngayon binitawan ko na!!!

Puti, mani, pasas

Salamat sa tamis na inyong basbas

Dahil kahit na lunurin ko pa ang sarili ko sa inyo,

Kapaitan pa rin ang nadarama ko…

Siguro ngayon Panahon naman para sa …..

LALA (fish crakers)

reality

i felt it, like a hand

holding a heart,

determined to stop it's beating

it bit me

and it was real

i didn't realize

that blood was already

driping

its unfair because

i never saw

it coming

attachments of a false relationship

I was disappointed I thought we’re ok I feel sad because I looked stupid. I kept waiting and waiting. It was my fault to easily trust your vulnerability, now looking back you never really been true to me. I was there for you whenever you needed help, when you were confused, whenever you act out, whenever you’re lost, whenever you want to I was there for you. It just pisses me off that you didn’t respect me and as if you never really cared. This attachment of false relationship is killing me, I just wished that we never met and I never cared.

facts of my life

1.











































...

2. Week 29 was hell, fulfilling but hell,I have tested my faith in people, been pushing unpleasantness deep down just so I could go and face people with forced smile(cut me some slack, I smile genuinely, sometimes.

3. Feeling and Knowing that Newton's 3rd law is indeed a hell of a reality check.

4. The epic battle reigns once again, over and over again. What i want vs. what is expected of me.

5. Revertigo -- as Marshall Erickson kept insisting. I feel more of me when youre around, you keep reminding me who i am, and i become more me with you.

Boredom strikes and what better way to do now but to ESCAPE,...
DVD! DVD!


16.6.9

I'm a loser.

Spinning, spiraling down and then I hit rock bottom. I really thought that it would be dark but suddenly everything is vivid, acid green aura with a bright-neon violet lining. My mind struggled to comprehend every color that my eyes absorb. I tried to reach for it but it seems impossible. I was left there gawping at its silent lucidity, luscious, stunning and hypnotizing me with its brilliance. Its beauty is incomparable, with its brilliance I felt my heart throb in harmony with a distant thud. Electric, confusing, gorgeous then a sudden blank.


I woke up clueless, the rays of the mid-morning sun blinded the sh*t out of me. dizzily I worked my way outside, tripping on the poor coordination of my every step . It was quiet, the sound of nearby traffic caught my attention I spun around searching signs of any living organism

none

I was still in trance but the faint memory of last night slowly creeps and making it more real. As I suddenly gasp for air it all came rushing to me, like a collection of billions and billions of still images racing down for me to comprehend. It stopped on the image that I tried burying as deep as I can. It was so real now so clear, the memory of you seared in my eyes and then I realize

I need more pills.




LOSER
a short story
12.2.8
-nai-