Sudden collapse of ego boundaries

I thought I was careful, conscious enough not to fall. Then you

Your sad eyes kills me. Your vulnerability, your damaged being caught me

I really wish that I can tell how much I feel for you now.

I want to shout “I am here for you” and “I will never leave you”.

Pathetic!

Its not healthy for me, its killing me

All I know is that it can never be us…

You will forever be my “What if”

It sucks like hell but those are the rules of the game

Someone always gets hurt, unfortunately its me.

nothing

nothing..




Nothing.... she supposed.


this was real life

and real life is difficult at best.


hadn't she learn't
when she was a little girl


why did she think falling in love
would make it easy

why did she think, that falling in love

would make it any easier?
-Better things

hurt

it hurts when we love somebody
because loving is a painful thing
that is its nature


today

even if we're not sure that the pain will pass

it has to be said



that our loving is hurting us

our loving is hurting us....

it begins - sam bradley

It begins

It begins like this
I want to live like this
You can work me down
I’m free

I’ll decide on you
When i can think for me
So it ends like this
I’m free

The candle light alone is burning
Its drawing me in
Talk it through
Well i could run away alone now the road is my friend
But i love you

Hold out your hand i will give you a symbol
Of not what you are what you mean to this simple man
That’s now who i am
Still your words can hurt me

Do i deserve abuse?
In my fragile youth?
I’m feeling wiser now
I’m free

The candle light alone is burning
Its drawing me in
Talk it through
Well i could run away alone now the road is my friend
But i love you

Hold out your hand i will give you a symbol
Of not what you are what you mean to this simple man
That’s now who i am
Still your words can hurt me

this is me' deal with it!

I’m sarcastic, a bully, I hit for no reason, I find laughter in hurting people, I find happiness whenever I cry and I never felt I belong. I find comfort through songs and nostalgic visions.

I have a way with words, I was bullied, I hit to seek acknowledgment, I hurt people to feel superior, I cry because I see the true me, I’m happy being alone and not having pretensions, I find comfort with other people’s lives… I wish to hide myself in the deepest part of my unconsciousness where it could no longer annoy me

Ang Pag-ibig Alinsunod sa Pakete ng Goya Chocolate

Malunkot magisa, maglakad ng mag isa,

di mo alam kung san ka tutungo,

palinga-linga... pag ibig… GOYA!

May puti, may mani, may pasas

sarap pakinggan??

Masarap tikman!

Matamis, maasim, maalat…

Teka diba Goya! Hindi naman sinabing pag ibig db???

Kahit alin pa man sa dalawa, masarap!!

Kung mapait ka lunurin mo ang sarili mo sa tsokolate,

baka sakaling tumamis ka!!!

Hahahaha nakakatawa

Pakingggan mo

Goya!

Goya!!! ………….

Goya!! Goya!!

Sana man lang ngpasalamat ka!!!

Di bale wag na mag alala Sumaya naman ako sa piling ng Goya!!!

Dahilan kung bakit ako tumatawa

Gayun pa man…nabubulok rin ang Goya

May expiration date nga db???

kaya ngayon binitawan ko na!!!

Puti, mani, pasas

Salamat sa tamis na inyong basbas

Dahil kahit na lunurin ko pa ang sarili ko sa inyo,

Kapaitan pa rin ang nadarama ko…

Siguro ngayon Panahon naman para sa …..

LALA (fish crakers)

reality

i felt it, like a hand

holding a heart,

determined to stop it's beating

it bit me

and it was real

i didn't realize

that blood was already

driping

its unfair because

i never saw

it coming

attachments of a false relationship

I was disappointed I thought we’re ok I feel sad because I looked stupid. I kept waiting and waiting. It was my fault to easily trust your vulnerability, now looking back you never really been true to me. I was there for you whenever you needed help, when you were confused, whenever you act out, whenever you’re lost, whenever you want to I was there for you. It just pisses me off that you didn’t respect me and as if you never really cared. This attachment of false relationship is killing me, I just wished that we never met and I never cared.

facts of my life

1.











































...

2. Week 29 was hell, fulfilling but hell,I have tested my faith in people, been pushing unpleasantness deep down just so I could go and face people with forced smile(cut me some slack, I smile genuinely, sometimes.

3. Feeling and Knowing that Newton's 3rd law is indeed a hell of a reality check.

4. The epic battle reigns once again, over and over again. What i want vs. what is expected of me.

5. Revertigo -- as Marshall Erickson kept insisting. I feel more of me when youre around, you keep reminding me who i am, and i become more me with you.

Boredom strikes and what better way to do now but to ESCAPE,...
DVD! DVD!


16.6.9

I'm a loser.

Spinning, spiraling down and then I hit rock bottom. I really thought that it would be dark but suddenly everything is vivid, acid green aura with a bright-neon violet lining. My mind struggled to comprehend every color that my eyes absorb. I tried to reach for it but it seems impossible. I was left there gawping at its silent lucidity, luscious, stunning and hypnotizing me with its brilliance. Its beauty is incomparable, with its brilliance I felt my heart throb in harmony with a distant thud. Electric, confusing, gorgeous then a sudden blank.


I woke up clueless, the rays of the mid-morning sun blinded the sh*t out of me. dizzily I worked my way outside, tripping on the poor coordination of my every step . It was quiet, the sound of nearby traffic caught my attention I spun around searching signs of any living organism

none

I was still in trance but the faint memory of last night slowly creeps and making it more real. As I suddenly gasp for air it all came rushing to me, like a collection of billions and billions of still images racing down for me to comprehend. It stopped on the image that I tried burying as deep as I can. It was so real now so clear, the memory of you seared in my eyes and then I realize

I need more pills.




LOSER
a short story
12.2.8
-nai-

MY addiction brought me to hit ROCKBOTTOM

Wikipedia gave meaning to addiction, as a term used to describe a devotion, attachment, dedication, inclination, it is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity, despite harmful consequences. I can say that I have been a living proof to this. And I quote my previous blog “I am lost in the edge giving a reason to this. All I know is I’m addicted. And I don’t want this feeling to end yet.” I succumbed to its cheap thrills, the unexplained excitement the temptation. Like what I’ve said, I became addicted. I couldn’t sleep, I craved, I became irritable. There were a lot of questions running through my mind, I was quiet but my mind was shouting continually creating noises that I could not comprehend. Until I saw myself motionless staring blankly outside my window, I hit rock bottom.

I hit rock bottom in my futile pursuit over your love. This was one of the most painful and excruciating heartbreak. I was lost in between idealism and reality. I hate myself because I let you in, and I came a long way protecting my heart because I know if I came close to fall, I’d be hurt again, true enough I did. You came, expressed your undying love for me, for what? For a make-believe love? You led me into believing that you’d love me and its painful to see that you did not. It sucks because even before, I know you, because I was you, enjoying the cheap thrills of these so-called commitments, hook-ups or whatever brings. BEEN THERE DONE THAT, I could not get over the fact that my heart tore apart because of you. But there is one thing that I am thankful for you made me realize that I can open my heart again, that I am still capable of giving to this degree, for that I am thankful. Now that I hit rock bottom, there no other way but up.

ridiculously painful

I can feel every bit.

I can feel it radiating from its core.

I did not expect it but it happened, and it was painful.

I woke up the other day finding myself in a familiar position, my knees clutched towards my chest with my arms trying to embrace everything. I felt the pain striking, radiating and eventually beating together with my heart.

As I opened my eyes the sunlight struck me, the light that once gave me hope every waking day is now blinding me. It is pointless to fight the pain, the more I resist it, the more it throbs like a son of a b*tch.

There was a moment that I gave up, I can still feel it throbbing,

the pain numbs the pain,

and I was left staring blankly on the dancing rays of the sun, and then

I cant feel anymore.

vulnerable

2 years 9 months and 2 days since I last felt this feeling. I missed it. I miss the emotion it triggers. It has been ages since I let myself enjoy this. I've been consciously holding back because I’ve been hurt one two many times, sure I’ve had crushes and been infatuated but never to this degree that I am again willing to break the boundaries i so much put up for far to long to protect myself. Questions lingered, thoughts flooded and my heart pounded like a son of a b*tch just so to rationalize my renowned vulnerability to that so called "love"

Being anxious is an understatement, I tried my best to focus on other things but the thought of you keeps flashing in intervals every other second. I tried to sleep but I didn’t really sleep I was just in a sleeping position, lying making a series of suspicious sounds, staring blankly on the paint marks on my ceiling. My heart pounded, and with every throb I felt everything, the fear, the excitement, the anxiety, the hope. Every bit is piercing through my body. I am lost in the edge giving a reason to this. All I know is I’m addicted. And I don’t want this feeling to end yet.

the bitter collection

Shortcuts
There are no shortcuts in life and in love… pain must be felt. The alternative is much worse. This is what makes us special, beautiful even, this makes it worthwhile, the pain of how we love, because with pain there is hope, somewhere between the agony, optimism and prayer. This is what we are….


You’ve always been the procrastination inside of me

Spilling your guilt along the corners of my imperfection.I don't have time for your visits. And frankly you're disgustingthe way you go about drinking your own insults.

And I swear I lost it all

Trembling in my bedwithout the strength to standand to help myself, I was worthless in the center of the world


Dreams…
I always dream that the one I like
would feel the same way I feel,
if they do its wonderful
if they don’t then
I have to move on…

Scar tissue
It is been said that time heals all wounds, I do not agree… the wounds remain; In time, the mind protecting its sanity covers the wound with scar tissue and the pain lessens but it is never gone
- Rose Kennedy


Birth
All children mythologize their birth; it is a universal trait you want to know someone? Heart, mind and soul? Ask hi to tell you about when he was born. What you get is not the truth; it will be a story, and nothing is more telling than a story
- Vida Winters, tales of change and desperation


Crazy stuff

It was a short affair; it was never a love affair. I confused myself with the warmth and joy I feel whenever I am with you. And you know how this is; the one always vulnerable and hoping is the one hurt. It sucks as hell because I come across desperate for something I know subconsciously, is impossible. But I am not the only one at fault. You do not give signs that you like me too, you don’t say words that will make me fall for you, you do not fix my stuff and surprise me the day after that you made something special just for me… don’t do that if you don’t have feelings for me…. It’s misleading and unfair. I know that you are never gonna want anything more that what we have and I’m always going to in the first place I don’t know what we have??? Yes, I may have misinterpreted signs, but I won’t if you did not give any stimulus. It just not right don’t blame me if I loved you… it’s your fault… you made me do it. There will always be an inevitable outcome here I’m just not sure what it is yet…


The drugs don’t work

There is an emptiness I keep embracing; there is a longing I keep yearning…
Even the strongest drugs don’t work to at least temporarily occupy the vulnerability of my being…
I’m lost and I don’t know if I will be able to find myself again.

Greatful

i can never be thankful enough for everything that happened
i know it will be very hard but i have to face reality,
i've learned a lot, i've experienced a lot, i gave a lot,
but as what i have said my part in the story has ended..
and for that i am greatful....

now i will at last...

I have shared so much, opened up too much, I fall so often, and I love so pure. I was afraid on being alone, I craved attention, I longed for a love, and damned for it. I thought I was over, I thought I was fine but it sucks so damn hard that I still yearn for you. I tried everything; I drowned my self on liquids that aid temporary comfort, engulfed my self on fumes that embraced me, gave me warmth. Sublimed, rationalized, compensated, displaced, defended my ego that is hurting, crushing, tearing into pieces. Still I can’t seem to carry onI kept searching deep within this demented soul on why I let my self be. I don’t want to hurt no more, I need peace, and I need to free my self from the pain, pain of a love that can never be. I tolerated pain, I kept dreaming that maybe there is a possibility, but I need to wake up, I need to carry on, I need to realize that some things are nothing more than what they are, they’re not meant to last, their just there to take a place in your heart just to make you a little smarter the next time. I learned some things the hard way that some good things never last. Sad but trueI need to continue breathing for my self.Now I will at last

i should have known better part 2

I thought I’ve learned my lesson, but I never did, still my heart longs for the one who’s not real! And now I’m frustrated…I expected and it didn’t met and I’m sad…maybe I’m sublimating, defending my ego that doesn’t wanna feel crushed, hurt. A friend once told me to hold on to what’s real and let it flourish! But still I let my self to be wrong. I didn’t know that expressing my feelings would be so painful again. I didn’t know that building a fortress of good and endearing connection would hurt this much all over again… yet again… I know it’s my fault I cant blame you! I have no right… I just feel I have, but I am in no position. All this impulsiveness is taking its toll again.. once again… over and over again… I should have known better

an inevitable outcome

It was a short affair; it was never a love affair. I confused myself with the warmth and joy I feel whenever I am with you. And you know how this is; the one always vulnerable and hoping is the one hurt. It sucks as hell because I come across desperate for something I know subconsciously, is impossible. But I am not the only one at fault. You do not give signs that you like me too, you don't say words that will make me fall for you, you do not fix my stuff and surprise me the day after that you made something special just for me… don't do that if you don't have feelings for me…. It's misleading and unfair. I know that you are never gonna want anything more that what we have and I'm always going to in the first place I don't know what we have??? Yes, I may have misinterpreted signs, but I won't if you did not give any stimulus. It just not right don't blame me if I loved you… it's your fault… you made me do it. There will always be an inevitable outcome here I'm just not sure what it is yet…..

melencholic memories of my so called love affair

under this starry night i dream,that maybe you were looking at the same sky as i am. then a sudden rush of coldness engulfed my being, a shower of unexplained emotions rained,all i could do is to bathe myself, of this Melancholic Memories of my so called Love Affair.those dreamy brown eyes, your arms your hands, your lips,: how i longed to touch them, feel them,kiss them again; How i vaguely remember your care, warmth, passion. how i reminisce or sweet nothings,our endless chats our sharing of hopes, fears and aspirations and how i barely recall our cherished-moments together.

But all i have now is longing, an empty realization that our love affair never worked out; for a reason i cannot recall, or for the reason that i don't want to recall; or for the reason that i suppressed in the deepest part of my unconscious or for the reason that i am afraid to admit to myself that i made a stupid decision; to forget these memories just to convince myself that i have moved on.once again i am left here in the dark corner of my room,looking out the window on a starless sky, marveled by a realization: that i still f*cking love you

i should have known better..

I didn’t know that thinking out loud could be so depressing. I didn’t know that expressing my feelings would be so painful. I didn’t know that building a fortress of good and endearing connection would hurt this much… I know it’s my fault to feel this way for you… I know its wrong…so wrong, for your type that leaves us hanging on the air but despite that I still feel for you, I still loved you. I thought well before having this feeling, with your kind, how can I have the assurance of you falling for me too? Cause with you I came to be me, you gave me light, you gave me a chance that we could be, you gave something that to hold on to, that our kind of love is possible…but that’s just me. Still I fell and you never even cared. I had loved you and that’s my biggest toll. Maybe I’m too dumb to cry & shed tears for you, I am but I will anyway.